The Bodyguards
by Xianshuu
Summary: Another one of my completely insane sagas.....Fasten your seatbelt!


The Bodyguards  
Part 1: 7/22/2k  
By: Xianshuu, Self-insertion HELL YEAH ^^  
  
A.N: The place where the bodyguards and crap is hoarded was called Hammer-  
Space in one fanfic, but not wanting to steal the name, I've decided to call  
it MASs World. (That stands fro Mallet And Sign, hence where mallets that  
are pulled from behind the back are stored) I'll try an explain in as I go  
along since it plays a potential role.   
Also- Yeah- They are all MAJORLY out of character! But y'know what?  
I don't care. Who writes in-character anyways? All humor about these people  
is out of character because THEY AREN'T FUNNY! Unless I make them funny. So  
deal with it. Geez, Even Xianshuu is out of character, and she's my own  
character!  
  
USA  
Sitting in her room yet again, She opens a sketchbook and sighs at the   
attempts at beauty that lie there. She flops down on my bed.  
Her birthday is in five days, why is she so bored? Finally, she let the sleepiness   
win her over and she crash on her bed, Japanese CD still playing.  
MASs World (They can.. SEE HER FROM MASs World!)  
A blonde haired boy and a chinese guy of around 16 are fighting  
about the current situation: Whether or not to wake the sleeping girl so she  
can watch her designated cartoons. They argue for a while, when the blonde  
finally agrees to wake her up. Carefully, he steps into the dimension of   
topic (Illiterate? He goes to Earth, but it's a matter of just stepping into  
it and not traveling, baka, like apparating 'cept they ain't wizards.)  
USA~ Her room  
Gently, the blonde leans over the sleeping girl. Carefully, he   
touches her shoulder in hopes of her waking. She rolls over.  
  
The guy: Kuso.. Ara, why can't you just wake up? Xianshuu? Xi-aaaaaaaaaaan?  
Wake up!!!!  
  
She continues sleeping peacefully as the blonde starts to become a  
little peeved about the whole situation.  
  
The guy:*shakes head* Xianshuu, forgive me for going through desparate  
measures! *he leans up to her ear and screams* XIANSHUUUUU!!! GET UP  
NOWW!  
  
Amazingly, she rolls over again, sleeping like... well, the dead?  
  
The guy: Ok, ok.. You aren't gonna like this, but it isn't my fault. *he   
sighs and leans over to kiss her softly on the forehead*  
Xianshuu: *finally startled, but awake* Nnnn... *sits up* Ara, Quatre-san.  
Did you just kiss me?!?  
Quatre:(The guy!) Um.. I can't remember. I came to wake you up so that  
you don't miss your cartoons and try to kill Dorothy.. *mutters*  
Although nobody'd miss her. Come on now, get up.   
Xianshuu: *Gets out of bed* Excellent power nap. Now then  
I guess I have some anime to watch, eh? Well, you take something to  
do back to MASs world. I'll be back up in one hour. ok?  
Quatre: Hai. Have fun Xianshuu.  
Xianshuu: Try not to let Sally beat you too badly.. And don't let anyone in  
my sock drawer until I get back.   
  
With that, she headed down the stairs to settle in the comfortable  
easy chair and watch herself some anime. But she couldn't help...  
  
Xianshuu: He kissed me, didn't he? Grrrrrrr!  
MASs World  
Quatre steps back in to MASs World to see some of his friends sittin  
around bored. Xianshuu's cartoon hour was the most boring for them because  
she refused to let them wander outside her room.  
  
Quatre: Mmkay, what'll it be today?  
  
Wufei: No more Go Fish. Ever. *motions to Sally Po* that WOMAN has done some  
sort of jinx on the deck!  
Sally: *looks innocent* Ok then, Strip Poker?  
  
Quatre: Xianshuu says to stay out of her sock drawer while she's gone.  
  
Duo: So...? *looks at Hilde*  
  
Heero: You really wanna play that with.. DOROTHY.. watching??  
  
Duo: *shudders* No, you're right. How about Hangman? In teams?  
  
Minna: *considers, looking to various people and nodding*  
  
Quatre: Fine with me.  
  
Wufei: Does Xianshuu have that WEAK plastic set or are going to play with  
... The chalk board? *Notice the Black board in the front*  
Noin: ChalkBoard.. XX vs. XY?  
  
Dorothy: Huh?  
  
Noin: Guys verses Girls, BAKA!  
  
Dorothy: *sticks her tongue out at Noin*  
  
Hilde: Ok, we can do that. *The group separates* Aw Fu...dge. We get Dorothy  
and that isn't fair!  
Wufei: Haha. Weak Women.  
  
The game goes on for a good hour, several rounds are played. This  
is because The guys ended up with words like 'korosu' and 'justice' which  
were easy for the girls to guess. (Especially Relena because, damn, how many  
times does Heero threaten to kill her?) The ladies win because of this.   
  
Dorothy: So who were you calling weak, Wufei?  
  
Wufei: You. I didn't see you ever guess a word.  
  
Dorothy: *stomps off to a far part of MASs World*  
  
Catherine: What's up her @$$?  
  
Duo: I dunno, some kind of rodent. *snickers at this unappetizing mental  
image* So Xianshuu should be back soon, right Quatre?  
Quatre: I think so. I hope so. *Trowa raises an eyebrow* Because I wanna get  
out of here ASAP! (That was not shonen ai, I'll explain it later!)  
Trowa: A likely story...  
  
Hilde: Just tell her you like her. Stalking her isn't going to give off the  
right vibes.  
Relena: It worked for me!!  
  
Heero: It did?  
  
Relena: *pouts*  
  
Quatre: She already has someone! I'l get over it. *mumbles* Let's get out   
of here...  
*He, Duo, Heero, Trowa, Hilde, Sally, Noin, Wufei and Catherine all go into  
Xianshuu's room to wait for her*  
At Cartoons (That's sounds funny, doesn't it?)  
Xianshuu watches the credits of Tenchi Muyo! rolling in and wonders  
whether or not to watch what was on next.. and torture the others. (Cause  
they'd have to stay in MASs World with Dorothy, and that's hell!) She went  
on to watch some Animal Planet, since they were showing a special on how to  
clean Llama's teeth and she'd always found giant furry things and Dentistry  
interesting. Soon she heard her name being whispered..  
  
Duo: *sticking his head out the door and trying to get her attention* Pssst.  
Xianshuuuuuu..... Hey, are you deaf?  
Xianshuu: I told you not to leave my room while I'm not there!! (She is   
paranoid about people finding them)  
Duo: Well it's just my head! *someone pushes Duo and he falls out entirely*  
  
Xianshuu: Thanks Hilde!  
  
Hilde's voice: No problem.  
  
Duo: SO will you please come back up here?   
  
Xianshuu: Why? Why? Is there a reason or does the author just want to have  
an opportunity to do something?  
Duo: Well for one, it's almost six and I'm hungry. Two, *puppyface* PLEASEE  
make Dorothy leave!!!  
Xianshuu: Has she done anything bad or did the author tell you to say that  
so we could bash her some more and have fun doing it?  
Duo: The second one.. I guess. But come up now and bring food.. I'm DYING   
for chrissake! *falls on the floor and crawls back into her room*  
Xianshuu: Do you think I could have 11 more annoying people in my room?  
  
You, the audience: Yes. What about Teletubbies and Powerpuff girls?  
  
Xianshuu: *shudders* Good point. Well, I'm going to go upstairs and see   
what happens next. Ciao!  
You, the audience: Bye-Bye. *She leaves* Oh good, now let's find out where  
her dad keeps the whiskey!   
At her room  
Xianshuu enters her room to find half the people huddled around her  
laptop (Affectionately called 'The Satellite') and the rest of them sitting  
on her bed playing B.S.  
  
Xianshuu: Hey, what's so interesting on the Satellite?  
  
*Heads turn with innocent looks* Nanimono...heiiii!  
  
Heero: They're playing Oregon Trail and losing pathetically.  
  
Wufei: You guys are WEAK! *laughs*  
  
Suddenly, the character on Oregon Trail named "Wufei" dies.  
Wufei: THIS IS INJUSTICE!!!! YOU PUT ME LAST SO I WOULD DIE FIRST!!  
  
Trowa: Yeah, so?  
  
Wufei: INJUSTICE!!! YOU WILL BE SORRY!! *goes into MASs World to plot evil  
things against them*  
Duo: *laughs* Remember the time he put glue in your hairgel Trowa?  
  
Trowa: *glare* How could I forget.   
  
Quatre: *snickers* You have to admit, that was a good one!  
  
Xianshuu: It was, but did I EVER say you could touch The Satellite without  
my permission?  
*They shake their heads*  
  
Xianshuu: DIDN'T think so! Now get BACK into MASs World, AND MAKE ME A  
CHEESECAKE!!!  
The guys: *grumble* Fine fine... *disappear into MASs World*  
  
That Evening. (Around 9:00...Actually, that's more night   
than evening)  
Xianshuu: Wonder where my Cheesecake is?  
  
Sally: Don't let Wufei touch it or it won't be edible.  
  
Relena: And Heero might poison it. He does that sometimes...  
  
Hilde: No, I think he just did that to you.  
  
Relena: *edgy* Why would he do that to ME?  
  
Catherine: Well I dunno, but that's what I would have done too.  
  
Sally, Hilde, Noin: *nod in agreement*  
  
Xianshuu: Hey Relena, how many time has he threatened to kill you today?  
  
Relena: *dazed look ih her eyes* Thirty-five and counting. *sighs deeply*  
  
Sally: *whispers to Noin* She's the only person I know that's turned on by  
death threats.  
Noin: Maybe we should kill her..  
  
Sally: baka, that would turn her on more.  
  
Noin: Oh yeah.. bitch..  
  
Relena: *ear gets reaally big* Are you talking about me?  
  
Sally: No were talking about some other person we know named Relena. *rolls  
her eyes*  
Relena: Oh..  
  
Xianshuu: Really now, I want my cake! Maybe we should go see how it's going.  
  
Hilde: It's not safe in there.. *gets idea* Relena, why don't you go check  
on them, mmm? I bet Heero would like the company...  
Relena: You think so??  
  
Hilde: Yeah. So go now. *shoves her into MASs World*  
  
Xianshuu: She's more dense than a brick.  
  
Catherine: Well the author's making her worse.  
  
Xianshuu: *coughs*  
  
In MASs World (aka: Where half the cast is)  
Relena walks in to MASs World to see black smoke curling around the  
light fixtures, dishes everywhere, and a giant pile of cakey goo on the   
floor.  
  
Relena: What did you do?  
  
Wufei: Nothing you could of done.  
  
Relena: So where is Xianshuu's Cheesecake?  
  
Quatre: *hold up an immaculate cake complete with whipped creme* Right here.  
  
Relena: *jaw drops* Wow...  
  
Heero: Close your mouth, you're drawing flies.  
  
Relena: Whatever you say Hee-chan *giggles stupidly*  
  
Heero:..korosu...  
  
Relena: Wow, that's the thirty-sixth time you've said that today! I didn't  
know you cared!  
Heero: *mutters* I don't...  
  
Wufei: Hey, why don't you celebrate by actually killing her???  
  
Heero: *starts to get evil look in his eyes*  
  
Relena: Come on, let's go show Xianshuu the cake! *hurries off*  
  
Trowa: She'll never know it's from HY-VEE..  
*They head off to present the cake to Xianshuu*  
  
Room of the Xianshuu (Wow, that makes me sound good)  
  
Quatre: *hold out the cheesecake to Xianshuu* Here it is.  
  
Trowa: Sorry it took so long, you know how these things are. *smirks*  
  
Xianshuu: Well, it looks ok.. *is about to take a bite when suddenly..*  
  
Lady Une: *appears out of nowhere* WOW CAKE!!!! *smashes it into her face  
and then licks it off* Yum, thanks! *turns evil and heads off to  
kill someone*  
Duo: That was disturbing...  
  
Xianshuu: What to you expect from schizophrenics? *licks a piece* Hey..it  
tastes like.. HY-VEE CHEESECAKE, 2 for $5!!!!  
*GW boys sweatdrop*  
  
Trowa: No, actually I used to work at HY-VEE and I was the one that invented  
their cheesecake so they stole my recipe!  
*Everyone stares at him, shootin him a "She won't buy that" look*  
  
Xianshuu:... Really? Wow! You'll have to make Lasangna tomorrow then!  
  
*weird silence and then the phone rings*  
  
Xianshuu: Hello? *pause* Oh hiii!..I'm fine, you?...uh-huh...  
  
Heero: Let's take this free moment to thank our sponsers for bringing us  
here. *everyone turns SD*  
SD Duo: Thanks HY-VEE!  
  
SD Trowa: Thanks Cartoon Network!  
  
SD Duo: Why thank them? They turned us into Americanized Beach bums!  
  
SD Wufei: No that's just you Maxwell.  
  
SD Duo: Nyaaaah! *sticks his tongue out*  
  
SD Quatre: Thanks um... Toshiba Computer company for making this possible..  
  
SD Heero: What did they do?  
  
SD Quatre: Provide the laptop this is being written on.. See the little  
label?  
SD Heero: *squints* Oh yeah... Hey is that a naked woman on it??  
  
SD Duo: Where? *looks*  
  
SD Hilde: *pulls a mallet from MASs World and smashes him* Ecchi!  
  
SD Duo: *twitches*  
  
Xianshuu: *still on the phone, raises an eyebrow at the crazy people* Keep it  
down guys! I'm on the phone with Melissa!  
Hilde: *turns back to regular size* Haven't heard from her in forever! Can I  
talk to her?  
Xianshuu: No. It'd be just like talking to me since I'm not real.  
  
Duo: Then you are talking to yourself?  
  
Xianshuu: Pretty much.  
  
Quatre: My gramma did that sometimes.  
  
Heero: Do you think your gramma had an alter-ego?  
  
Quatre: No. She was just crazy.  
  
Heero: And Xianshuu's not?  
  
Quatre: Good point.  
  
Xianshuu: *gets off phone* Who's up for something fun?  
  
Duo: Fun? Like what?  
  
Xianshuu: Well, this is obviously going nowhere. So the author decided to  
change the plot almost entirely.  
Sally: Isn't Melissa the author?  
  
Xianshuu: Yeah.  
  
Dorothy: Y'know, thinking about this story in-depth really confuses me. The   
author is writing about her alter-ego...basically her, and 11  
people from a cartoon show and what happens to them. And the plot  
keeps changing. Hell, there is no plot. And to top it off, Xianshuu  
and Melissa are the same person. And yet they aren't. I think I finally  
figured it all out.  
Xianshuu: She knows too much.  
  
Heero: Kill her!   
  
Melissa: *banishes Dorothy to a faraway place*   
  
Xianshuu: Thanks!  
  
Melissa: No problem. *goes back to typing*  
  
Duo: *blinks* What just happened?  
  
Everyone: *shrugs*  
  
Xianshuu: ANYWAYS! Melissa decided to change my character so I'm all wild and  
stuff. And I barely know you guys. But you know what? Why don't we  
go to some public area and freak everyone out!  
Heero: That has got to be the most retarded plot I have EVER heard!  
  
Duo: Let's do it!  
  
Everyone: YEAH!  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Melissa: Wait, wait a second! First I have to explain this whole thing to the  
audience! *taps on micrphone* Ok....Any questions, audience?  
Guy 1: Why is the fic called bodyguards?  
  
Melissa: Because last summer, I had this idea that all the Gundam people would live  
in my room and be my bodyguards. Notice the plot started off with that  
working.  
Guy 1: Then why did it change?   
  
Melissa: Because this part is being written almost a year later, and I wanted to  
finish it, but that topic didn't interest me.   
  
Guy 1: Then why didn't you just start a new fic?  
  
Melissa: A- I'm lazy. B- There were some great lines in this!  
  
Guy 2: Ok...Who's Xianshuu?  
  
Melissa: In the beginning of this, Me. She's not real, and since then I've made  
her her own character. That's who you'll see from here on out.  
Girl 1: Is this story going somewhere?  
  
Melissa: Not really.  
  
Girl 1: Oh. Can I have a refund?  
  
Melissa: The check is in the mail.  
  
Girl 1: Thanks. *leaves*  
  
Guy 3: What was the whole thing about your sock drawer?  
  
Melissa: Oh, see when the pilots played Strip Poker with Dorothy, they didn't want  
to get naked in front of her, so they'd borrow extra socks (like 10 pairs)  
from my sock drawer and they wouldn't have to worry. I think I was planning  
on explaining that later, but it's dead now so oh well.  
Guy 3: Couldn't Dorothy just wear extra socks too?  
  
Melissa: *glares at him* SHUT UP! *writes 'Guy3' out of the script* Ok. I think  
that's it. Ladies & Gents...I present to you...Something COMPLETELY   
different!!  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
A Completely Different Story. Part One  
6-3-01  
By: Melissa Paden  
  
Xianshuu: Hey- How come it says 'The Bodyguards' is by me?   
  
Melissa: Because you used to be a penname!  
  
Xianshuu: Oh.  
  
Melissa: Now what?  
  
Xianshuu: Can we abandon this like me did with OOX part one?  
  
Melissa: It's either that or not post it at all.   
  
Xianshuu: Ok.  
  
*they leave*  
  
I'd love to finish this but I have no idea what to put! 


End file.
